[NOTE: This post is rough. It's raw. It was stream of consciousness with cryptic notes for me to fill in later as I fleshed things out... but I never got there. And I posted without cleaining it up. For a reason. Read my comment in the comments at the end for context on why.]
Today was tough. One of the most difficult ones I've had in a long time. I'd describe it as a rollercoaster.
I woke up this morning thinking about our finances". About all the things I have on my plate. About how I'm going to make ends meet and how I have SO much to do. Anxiety is through the roof. I had to take my two oldest children to orthodonist appointments today. My oldest already has braces and needed an adjustment but also needed to get a tooth pulled that was on the roof of his mouth. I knew we would be getting a bill for the tooth getting pulled but had no idea how much it would be... anxiety growing. My second oldest had a consult today to see if she is ready for (we knew she would need) braces again (she had work done to widen her mouth when she ws younger already). I was anxious thinking about how soon they may want to get started and then how much it would cost... anxiety growing. The past 24 hours I've been thinking about another job I applied for. I was hesitant for a few reasons. First, I'd likely have to give something else up. Second, I'm not sure what it would pay and whether it would be enough or help enough. Anxiety growing. Not to mention I'm not sure I'm qualified for it, "who am I?" I'll tell you who I am. I'm just a "nobody". Which actually might be the #1 qualification... but I doubt it... anxiety growing. I also knew this morning that others are being interviewd for the position and trying to remain positive. [As I am typing this, my phone notified me the Verse Of The Day... "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. - Romans 15:13 NIV"] All morning I'm having minor anxiety/panic attacks. I remember a song Mandy sent me several years ago when I used to have panic attacks. So while I'm at the orthodonist I post a link to it: Jonny Diaz "Breathe". I take a few breathes.
Kids are almost done with their appointments, and I'm told Eloise will need braces buit the Doc is running behind and then some stuff about everyone is, not enough workers, etc. I said I understand. She said next time we come in we can talk price/finances... A little relief. I said "okay good." And then I foolishly eplained to her that is a concern as I quit my job a few months ago and I've been hustling to make ends meet. I'm willing to work though and will make sure they get paid! I actually was going to offer to help do some smller maintenance things in their office. She's very kind and understanding and that we should get a discount for having more than one child on braces. A little relief. The children are done and I go to schedule next appointments and get the damage (bill). Oldest's tooth extraction is a little more than half of what I was ready to hear. Whew! Thank you Jesus! That's a relief. Turns out the Doc was able to look at my second oldest and give an estimate of how much it will be. So I get the cost for braces for second oldest. Uffda! I have no idea how we're going to be able to pay this as things are today. Uffda! I said I'll have to talk to my wife about it. We don't have to pay now, next appointment she'll get them on and Mandy and I will have to figure out what to do.
I take the kids back to school... I was going to go to work right away because I have sooo much to do and because I need to make income. However I stop at home. Which was supposed to be breif. I can't remember why I decided to stop but I did. I walk in. Oh no! Smells like poop! Ugh! I don't have time for this! Dog pooped on the floor. Robot vacuum helped make it worse! I breathe. I go to work cleaning the mess up... Took way too much time. I get it cleaned and head out the door to work. I'm having anxiety/panic attacks. I turn on KLOVE and it's none other than Jonny Diaz "Breathe" jsut starting to play. My emotions are all over the place. My eyes begin tearing up. A few other songs play but I don't recall them because I'm playing thoughts about how it's going to be okay. I just don't know how. As I get close to work Maverick City Music "Promises" starts playing:
My eyes begin filling with tears. The rollercoaster is really going now! I'm overwhelmed. I get to the parking lot and I just sit in the car finishing the song. Then sitting in the parking lot. I see my bosses car and I'm not really ready to interact with other people. I figure I'll just get in and do some tasks by myself without letting others know I'm there yet. Most people don't work on Friday's and I know my boss was interviewing for that position I mentioned above. I walk in and I can hear his voice in the hallway. He's with a few others. I felt like a jerk but I just couldn't talk without breaking down. Then he says "Hi Justin! How ya doing?" Ugh. I try not to make eye contact and say "Okay. I'm okay." While hurrying off to my work area. I felt like a jerk. I got some time, a lot of time to work and just be with God in my thoughts after that. I made a lot of progress on a lot of tasks. And I felt much better as the day went on.
pr..omises, way make
[Story of being a fool...]