So I'm just going to say it now. I'm sorry if I have typos. I'll fix them later. The punctuation will be a bit weird too. I'll be writing this as stream on consciousness. Some day I might come back and clean tings up, but not now. After all I have a saying: "perfection impedes progress" or "perfection is the enemy of progress". We (well at least me) need to stop procrastinating things because of a fear of not being perfect. We get better day by day. And if I waited to say anything until I knew how to say it perfectly, I'd live and die having never muttered a word.
That being said I wanted to share a bit about my experience with depression in hopes of connecting with anyone else who may have experienced it like I did, let them know they aren't alone, there isn't and wasn't anything rational about it and it was all so very confusing, and encourage them to reach out and tell someone. If sharing this story helps save just one other persons life then I will have certainly fulfilled a purpose in life.
Last fall was the worst. The absolute worst. I begin losing motivation and wanting to, what I say is, hibernate. This has been a pattern for most of my life, more evident now than ever when I reflect back on all my years since high school. I lose motivation, energy, and become more apathetic. Again, last year was the worst. THE worst.
As I think back to November, I pinpoint two primary points of finally recognizing and admitting to myself just how depressed I was. Sometime early in fall I began coming home from work feeling fatigued and lethargic. I would go to my room, lay on my bed, and read articles and things on my phone (someday I hope to write about how technology that makes us think we are more connected is in fact harming our relationships and leading most of us into more isolation and loneliness more than ever before). I would come out to eat dinner, then go back and continue until it was time for bed. Pretty obvious looking in from the outside that something appeared wrong. Inside, I just figured I didn't have activities that required me to do stuff and well better to retire to isolation than be an irritable grump towards others. My loving wife wasn't exactly happy with me and tried the best she could to cope and deal with my behavior. While some might be quick to judge my wife for not doing something more, a) you weren't in her shoes, so please don't cast stones, and b) you can only bring a horse to water (you can't make them drink). Another thing about my wife, she is filled with faith and trust in the Lord. She was relentlessly praying for me and our family. And prayer works. Many times our prayers aren't answered with the answer we want, in the timing we want, or the way we want. But her prayers would eventually be answered.
Anyways, in the past light therapy has helped me get out of my funk in the past. I had a fair amount of money in my flex 125 plan and knew that if I got a prescription for a light box, then I could use my flex 125 money for it. So, I went to the Dr to ask for a prescription. At my visit I first had to fill out a questionnaire. I was mostly truthful but downplayed the severity of some things. I explained to the doctor several things. A few of them were the seasonal symptoms I get in the fall and winter regarding lacking motivation and energy and feeling like I want to hibernate. Many winters I crave carbs, particularly from white flour and potatoes. I recall in year in college that I put on 15 pounds and it actually showed (for people that don't know me... it's difficult for me to get above 160 pounds, think about that a 10% gain in weight. It really showed in my cheeks, neck, and chin). I also told him about in spring time I regain energy. So much so that I would call it my March madness as that is typically around when I would get more energy and try to do things again. I'm mean a lot more energy and a lot more things. I'd want to clean the entire house, try to take on more volunteer work, and be more optimistic, over promising delivery dates, and likely to say "yes" to requests for my time. Looking back today, I realize I had and have a lot of anxiety during this time. The over committing would lead to stress. And more anxiety. And more stress. I was already not sleeping much. This led to poor sleep. I actually burned out 2 years ago in Spring. My employer was gracious and supportive in letting me reduce my hours and get through that. I'll forever be grateful for that. I told the doctor that I had a light box and that it has helped a bit in the past, it was 10 years old though and the bulbs had lost intensity over the years. I told him that if he gave me a prescription for a new one then I could use my flex funds and it would be brighter. I would be able to have a light at work and at home. He agreed to write me a prescription for a light box. Then he told me about drug options and asked if I was interested in trying that. I declined them at the time. For reasons. He said if I changed my mind I could just call back and he would write a prescription if I wanted one.
With my prescription for a light box, I went right to work on buying one from a reputable seller online. After a night and morning or two of bawling my eyes out to myself because of things. I changed my mind and called the doctor asking for the prescription. This was one of the pivotal points in admitting and accepting that this thing I was feeling was real and serious. I went to the pharmacy and picker up the medicine. In those two days between seeing the doctor and getting the prescription I did some research on the drug that was the one we wanted to try first. I learned what the side effects were and the cautions when taking it. The pharmacist also informed me of the same side effects and cautions when taking it. I went home, cried, and threw the meds in the back of our medicine cabinet and told my wife that I had gotten a prescription.
I refused to take them. I've never touched them. This was pivotal point two.
Why was this so pivotal? Well the reasons I didn't want them in the first place and the reasons I didn't take them is because I was still scared to be open about the full and true state of my mind. You see, from my elementary understanding of depression and drug treatment, there are two things typically to address. Mood and Motivation. Some drugs typically address one more than other. And depending on the questionnaire and what you tell your doctor will affect how they think about going about addressing the depression. If mood seems okay and it's mostly energy and motivation then they will prescribe drugs to try to increase motivation. Their is a major problem in doing this if mood is low. Some of the side affects of some depression/anxiety drugs is an increased likelihood of suicide. You see if mood is low and thoughts are bad but you also lack motivation and energy... you just lay there while thoughts pass through your mind. If mood is good and energy/motivation is low, well then if the drugs work you'll get out of your slump and things should improve. Well if you haven't figured it out yet, I was still in a bit of denial. No not denial. I was still scared to fully share the thoughts that I was having. They didn't make sense. They were irrational and I couldn't think them away. And after all, if you look back to the top pinned blogged post title "LET ME BEGIN"...
I was afraid of people saying "How can you have depression Justin when.. you have a great job, a wonderful wife, great children, and loving family? It's not like you're living in poverty, you faced a traumatic death or loss recently (or not recently) in your life, you have not witnessed some truly horrific things, how can you be depressed? Stop being a prima donna, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and stop having those thoughts!"
When you're having suicidal thoughts, very little makes sense. And that too adds to the anxiety and stress.
It's just doesn't make sense. Some thoughts terrified me, others made be even more sad. Not only was I terrified of the drugs and that they might increase the likelihood of actually getting the energy and motivation to execute the thoughts but there were guns in our house too. Not my guns, but guns that I was storing for someone else. Now, they were locked up and so was the ammunition. And the keys to the safes and locks put away someplace safe where children couldn't get them. But I was terrified to go near the safes and the keys. And so at some point this ordeal and this blog may address issues related to gun control and gun safety but I just want people from both sides of the aisle to understand the other sides concerns regarding guns. I have always supported the 2nd amendment and an individuals right to keep and bear arms (even though I don't have any). But I have a better and deeper understanding of those people who want stricter laws for access, particularly because of the higher rates of suicide when guns are available. Please, just think about that. So, I thank God for many many things and one was that easy access to guns wasn't around (although it actually sort of was). It would have made following through with suicidal thoughts that much easier and that much more likely. While the thoughts and guns are not an issue anymore, the guns are being removed from my house soon... and well we're moving so they had to get out of my house anyways as they wouldn't be getting stored in our house anymore anyways.
I thank God for my wife and children. They are what and who, thank God, kept me alive. Some days the thoughts were about ways to end my life because life felt so miserable. Other days it was more like apathy to living where the thoughts weren't about taking any particular action but more like if I didn't wake up in the morning. Meh. Or looking at a semi truck on the road and thinking... what if that truck t-boned me. Meh. I had thoughts at times that if something happened to me at least my family would get a life insurance payout and some money is better than a deadbeat unavailable angry dad. But God kept placing my wife and children on my mind. Making we realize how much pain I would cause them as well as my parents and siblings. Them! The people who love me the most. I would hurt them the most. It would be selfish if I did that. And the pain I would cause them wasn't worth escaping the thoughts and depression. Then there were other people, family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, everyone I ever had the privilege of knowing. I would think about some family friends we know. Some "kids" who had graduated high school by now but had grown up without their father. Because for whatever reason, their father didn't escape his depression alive. There are so many fatherless children today. Whether by suicide or absenteeism. There are so many broken father relationships. We need to find fathers that are struggling and minister to them. Fathers are so critical to children and husbands are so important to marriages. This world is a broken place and a lot of things don't make sense to us at this time.
But if you are experiencing depression, please tell someone. Through my journey sharing this story I have learned that people are more caring and understanding than I ever imagined. I have yet to get push back on "How can you have depression?" We all have our own struggles, stresses, and anxieties. Let us not judge and compare them to each other. Let us listen, understand, and accept people where they are. I also didn't want to share my thoughts because the last thing I wanted was people to try to cheer me up. Heads up, at least in my case, that's the LAST thing I wanted people to do and probably would have made things worse. It denies the fact that the thoughts aren't controllable (by me at least). Sure my mood might be lightened. But the thoughts still appear and present themselves between the good ones and would just add more confusion and frustration. Those thoughts are demons. But thankfully Jesus can cast out demons (Click this link and read the article, its really good!).
The BEST paraphrased response people have said to me after I shared some of my story has been what my kind caring and compassionate coworker said: "Wow. Thank you for sharing that. That must take a lot of courage to be so open about it. I admire you being so transparent and being so vulnerable." So, if you're going to say anything, and you believe those words, I recommend saying something like that. At least that has been my experience.
Please be honest with yourself and tell someone if you are having suicidal thoughts. You are loved and those that love you want you in their lives. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available. I hope to get more involved with them or organizations like them in the near future. You can chat online or call them by phone. And if you really want, I'm going to experiment by offering a phone number to reach me: 1-256-JSTEELE. Now, I might not be available all the time though, so if you can't reach me you MUST call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read all this. I hope this post has helped you in some form or fashion. Either by connecting us by our experience, letting you know you're not alone, or by giving you some insight into what depression looks like and feels like, at least in my case. May God bless you.
If you have had or are having a similar experience and haven't shared it with others, please consider opening up a little bit more about it. If you'd like you could start by writing your story, even as a stream of consciousness, imperfectly written and all and send it to me or post in the comments below. You may remain anonymous if you'd like to, I have to approve the comments before they appear so just let me know if I need to modify anything before approving and posting publicly. If you found this to be helpful or informative please share this post with others. In person, on Facebook, Twitter, where ever you wish. And PLEASE PRAY for me, my family, yourself, and others. Thank you.